3am Thoughts..

 So after coming back from Azaadi (Independence Day) celebrations with my family, I felt like taking out my harmonium after almost 2 weeks. 

Due to various cultural reasons, I was forbidden to take Eastern vocal classes with my music instructor at home. And the reason why I'm playing it again is because I have a plan to meet these recent additions to my friends Zara and Zaira. I might see them at Canal Ghar around 2 p.m.

It's not noticeable that I'm going out, the noticeable thing is that I wanted to polish my sound better. It is very hard for me to find intrinsic motivation for many things. Yes, people tell me I have an amazing career and bright future (Inshalla) - but most of it was for the sake of achieving something or being someone bigger or better. 

I'm playing the harmonium tonight because I want to sing better for Zara and Zaira. The way they appreciated me and Saeed in the Bistro rooftop cafe, where I first met them. It made me cry. No one could see, but I was shivering with teary eyes, and I almost stuttered for a moment. I had never sung before in public. But their love and reaction to it, just kept me going. In fact, I asked Sir Rehan to visit my house for vocal classes. 

After playing for a while, rehearsing my lower and higher Saaaa... I put my head down on my baby hehe. and it just felt and occurred to me.. that this is the first time in my entire life when my life feels like it's mine.... like literally.. no strings attached.. I'm Jobless in front of the world.. eating, and sleeping, w/o keeping track of time, For the past few weeks it felt like shit. I felt like shit.. like the burden of this whole world is crashing down on me. Every day was a struggle, I had difficulty sleeping and getting up, it was painful at that time, but today.... my body and mind gave me another direction to look at. and I can't stop thinking about it.

THANK YOU ALLAH :) <3